Children and Trauma
(Reprint of 08-2004 Newsletter)
August 15, 2004
Dear friends,
This past month, two of my client's grandchildren were in a car accident. Despite the severity of the crash, neither of them was badly hurt. That was particularly lucky since the older child, age 15, was not wearing a seatbelt. The kids were banged up both physically and emotionally, and their loving grandmother was left feeling helpless to ease their pain. For years I've helped families to "reframe" life events for their children, and I realized a letter on the subject might be worthwhile.
In fifteen years of healthcare, I've worked with a large range of accidents, many of which involved children in some way. If the children were not directly injured, they were innocent observers of a reality that was tougher than they could easily handle. We can't shelter our children from everything, but there are things we can do to help them cope more easily. Over the years, I began to call that process "reframing" since it changes the context in which we view an overall picture.
I've always believed that our perception of what happens to us can be just as important as the actual events in our lives. The spin that we put on things can often see us through the toughest of times. Our vantage point can be self-created either consciously or unconsciously, or it can be created with the help of a family, culture, or religion. It can be called positive attitude, determination, vision, or faith. When children experience hard times, it is often possible for us to plant a positive seed that will see them through that time and hard times yet to come.
I came to adulthood with two simple beliefs that my mother instilled in me. One was "You were born under a lucky star." The other was "Money will come to you." I can't remember the specific time or circumstance that she told me either of those things. They somehow resonated so deeply with me as a child that I carried them to adulthood. Perhaps it was the seed of those two thoughts that made me notice when my life matched the words more than when it didn't. My mother doesn't recall telling me either of them. She was amused, and also touched, that such simple thoughts had carried me to adulthood even in times when it was abundantly clear that neither was true at the moment.
When children are in distress, particularly in that vulnerable time after a difficult life event, we have a golden opportunity to guide them with our words. We don't have to be in physical contact with the child; we don't need to be the primary caregiver; and we don't need permission. We simply need to watch for an appropriate time and give the child a simple, heartfelt thought to help them cope.
The grandmother I mentioned was particularly saddened that people were not being careful with their words around a nine-year-old and that the child was not getting proper medical or emotional support. At one point her granddaughter said to her, "Grandmother, I almost died in that accident!" It's common for a child to make statements about the event as they work to cope. Adults around them hold the key to shaping those statements to something positive. The key is to say only what you are comfortable with and not to candy-coat what has happened. Acknowledging the event and then adding a comment about the child's strength, luck, or divine protection all can work. My younger daughter was attacked by a dog when she was nine. Her ability to stay calm after the attack prevented her from having life-threatening bleeding. During many of the tough times in her life, I reminded her of her strength at that time and of her ability to stay calm in the eye of the storm. It can be hard to tell with any teenager, but I hope that she will carry that belief in her own strength forward into adulthood.
Sometimes after a serious event, a child will not be able to voice their fears. I worry about that type of reaction since it is a form of suppression, and homeopaths always strive to avoid suppression. I've used a method through the years that has worked well to deal with those situations. The first thing is to have remedies ready. Ignatia works well for the grief around an accident and Aconitum napellus for the fear. The Bach Flower "Rescue Remedy" will work well if you are not sure which homeopathic remedy to use. The key thing is to wait until the child is relaxed or to create the relaxation or emotional intimacy that allows communication. It is essential to be uninterrupted and to be alone with the child. Many children will talk after a warm bath or as they are snuggled in bed at night. Sometimes an opportunity will arise spontaneously, on the phone as it did with the grandmother, in the car, or when you are alone with the child quietly going about your business.
Children are very impressionable, but they can also see when an adult is being dishonest. When the child begins to talk about their feelings, don't assure them that they are invulnerable, unlike anyone else in the world, or like an adult emotionally. They know better. They will more easily accept a simple belief or explanation of how they managed or how they are similar to you in some way that will strengthen them. In difficult times, I have told my daughters, "Yes, my mother used to tell me that I was born under a lucky star and I guess you are like me in that way." Time will tell if they believe that and if they will pass it to the next generation of our family.
Don't get rattled if a child cries and reveals that they have been struggling alone. They must be allowed to grieve and be afraid even though it can cause us to struggle with our own powerlessness. Children will often need to be told that it is not their fault even though that seems obvious. When they have done something they shouldn't that has caused an accident, they need to be told that people learn from their mistakes and that everyone makes mistakes. Telling them that they are not to blame will make them hide their own feelings of responsibility and try to cope alone.
Use the homeopathic remedies when you can, but it is more important to listen intently to the child's feelings. It's not critical that the remedy given is exactly correct. Everyone who has been run over by the steamroller of life feels fear and grief. Giving either Ignatia or Aconite every three minutes for a few doses will help on some level or you may want to alternate them. When giving a remedy in that type of situation, you can say "Yes, that would have been frightening for anyone. This will help." If you are rattled, take some of the remedy too, and let the child see you take it.
Children that have had a terrible shock often have nightmares and night terrors later even when they seem untouched emotionally by the incident. If that should occur, a dose of Stramonium 30C each night before bed for a week or so often does the trick. It's not a common remedy found in most health food stores, but you might want to have it on hand if you have children. You can order it from Acton Pharmacy in Massachusetts at (800) 551-3611.
Let me know if you are having difficulty helping a child reframe a difficult life event. From my vantage point, I can often come up with the way to give your child the help that they need in a way that's right for both you and them.
If nothing is going well, call your grandmother. ~ Italian Proverb
Good health,
Lydia
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