Being Overwhelmed
(Reprint of 10/2002 Newsletter)
Dear friends,
The number one complaint that I get from my clients who are mothers with school age children is that they are overwhelmed. This month I wanted to talk a little bit about that issue, although I need to start with a bit of a disclaimer. I don't feel qualified to talk about being overwhelmed because I never suffer from the problem myself. I feel qualified because I'm very familiar with the feeling, and because I know some remedies and strategies that can be used to deal with it.
Being overwhelmed is by no means limited to mothers with young children. Everyone experiences the feeling of being overwhelmed occasionally, but it seems much more common in people working with children. Not only mothers experience it; active fathers and teachers feel it too. Those caring for aging or sick parents can often feel overwhelmed. Still, in my "Baby Boomer" mothers the main complaint they have is that they are overwhelmed with all that they have to deal with.
Being overwhelmed adds tremendous stress to your life and can result in depression and despair if it is not managed well. It can cause problems with your partner. It can put a serious damper on your intimate life, as resting becomes more important than close contact with your partner. Being overwhelmed can also turn you into the type of parent that you said you would never be. Many women have told me that it was not until they became totally overwhelmed that they understood how their own mother had behaved when she had young children. For me, shrieking and swearing was not exactly what I had in mind when I planned my children, but those plans and many others went out the window the more overwhelmed I became.
Being a bit overwhelmed comes with the territory when raising children, but chronic feelings of being overwhelmed can lead to both emotional and physical ailments. It also makes it much easier for you to have accidents of all sorts. A couple of years ago, a lot of evidence started coming out about how dangerous it was to drive when tired. New studies show that another major cause of vehicle accidents is that the driver is distracted. In another couple of years there will be even scarier studies on driving exhausted and distracted as many mothers do.
I truly believe that the Baby Boomer mothers are in a particularly difficult position. Most of us work as well as maintain the traditional responsibilities of mothering and being a partner. Many of us are single working parents doing a job that would be a challenge for two functional parents. Lots of us delayed child bearing, and we are older mothers. Women that I work with have told me that nothing could have prepared them for perimenopause while they had young children or even teenagers. As a group, we truly reinvented the wheel when it came to childbearing timing, but there were a few things we forgot to plan for while we were concentrating on pushing the envelope. The result is a large group of women who regularly feel that they are in over their heads.
Delaying childbearing also made us the "Sandwich Generation". As anyone without children knows, caring for elderly parents is a major responsibility and drain on energy no matter how committed you may feel to doing it. Adding in child rearing to parent care leaves the caretaker torn between the serious needs of two generations. Lack of time and energy leaves little possibility of taking care of you. Falling into bad habits like poor diet, lack of exercise, alcohol or tobacco consumption, and even drug use is common if pressure is regularly too much to bear. It's an easy trap to fall into when you don't have enough time to do even the basics for others never mind taking much-needed down time for yourself.
So what are the solutions to the issue of being overwhelmed? I have a few suggestions (that I try to remember to institute for myself as I tell you to do them.)
1. Lower your expectations.
I haven't taken my kids to lessons for years. I finally realized that the good they were getting out of so many activities was running us into the ground as a family. I've also forced myself to get over the guilt about not always having wonderful family dinners. We had family dinners when I was a child. When I did a reality check, I remembered that we ate Spam for dinner and often argued at the table!
2. Eat some good food.
Mothers often fall into the trap of grabbing what is quick and easy. Most of what is quick and easy is also nutritionally empty and causes more of a problem when the crash hits. Eat more protein and less sugar and starches and you'll find that you feel better. Don't diet. Women Afraid To Eat Try not to resort to caffeine on a very regular basis since it adds to irritability and stress in the long run. Caffeine Newsletter (It also causes fibrocystic breasts.)
3. Get some rest.
OK. It isn't always possible to get uninterrupted sleep or as much sleep as you need, but you can rest more than you do if you lower your expectations. Try to carve out a 20-30 minute rest time for yourself every day. When you feel like you need to sleep for a week, it doesn't seem like that small amount of rest will help. It will, and the family will function even if you aren't at their beck and call.
4. Take remedies.
Mothers generally call me first for help with their children, but there can be times when the most important thing to do is focus on getting the right remedy for you first. If you don't have time to think about it or call me, take a few drops of Rescue Remedy every hour when you are feeling overwhelmed. Make time to do it. Set the timer on the oven if you need a reminder.
5. Get away from the kids.
I don't mean go in another room and try to meditate while they're screaming. I mean go to the mall or out for dinner with a friend once every week or two. Work it out with your partner to be off duty regularly or ask a family member for an evening of babysitting for your birthday or some other holiday.
6. Stop beating up on yourself.
Everyone experiences the feeling of being overwhelmed, especially mothers. Try to look at the things that you're doing right instead of all the things you aren't doing or aren't doing as well as you'd like to. One of the best things I can hear when I feel like I'm overwhelmed is that I'm appreciated by the people around me. If there is nobody to offer you that reassurance, make an effort to offer it to yourself. We're our own harshest critics but, in a world in which we are carrying so many responsibilities, it's not reasonable to be our own worst enemy.
Good emotional health,
Lydia
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